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5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card