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*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.