“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
You Might Also Like
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.