Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
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I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets