[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
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Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy