[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling