Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
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Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Science memes
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
All excellent questions
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.