[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Meeeee too!
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.