My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
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WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”