“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
do horses think humans are hats
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Happy thanksgiving!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
79.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him