[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
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Tammy is short for Tamuel
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.