I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
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(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?