If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
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When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late