Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick