[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
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[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
🤣🤣🤣
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.