Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
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sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”