Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
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Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Kids: Stay in school.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?