normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
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Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.