Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
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music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
can’t believe I got front row seats
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Fluff me with a fork baby
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.