*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
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[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
who will stop them
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
english majors be like furthermore
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u