[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
You Might Also Like
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.