*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.