[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
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3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”