Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
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Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I’m awake but I object,
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
🍞🦆
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.