[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
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Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I feel it
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…