asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
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Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Always a housemaid, never a house.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
New favorite tiktok
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
She was REALLY feeling it.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.