My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full