(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
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I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…