Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
You Might Also Like
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something