Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
You Might Also Like
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one