Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
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You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
It’s a gift
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.