Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
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if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
3% human
97% stress
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
The internet is magic sometimes.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Yoga Matt
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target