artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
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GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
what day is it?