artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
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Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.