Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
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What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card