ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Okey dokey.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.