Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
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Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT