Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
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#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew