As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
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Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower