Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
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The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
The Joker was right
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”