As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
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I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”