As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
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my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”