As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
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My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens