I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
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No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
How it started How it’s going
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.