As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
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If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.