MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
You Might Also Like
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
How funny!
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.