As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
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Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪