As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
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A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.