As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
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Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
🤣😂
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.