as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I had to Stop for this
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler